Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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