Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
