Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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