On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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