my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Randomize
