I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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