its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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