My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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