I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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