I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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