yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
