My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
