I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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