Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
