Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
