Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize