I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
