I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
