the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
