I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
