Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
