Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
