When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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