I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
