I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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