Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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