The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
