i barfeds in our rink
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
