Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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