On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
