She said her name was "party"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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