The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
