A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize