You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize