I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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