i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
