The maid of honor just puked.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
