Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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