I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
