I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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