we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
