This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
