dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
