Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
