put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
