I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
