also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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