She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
