remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
