Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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