Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
