I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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