We're like a lot better than the average bears
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
