sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
