Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
In America we eat man semen.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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