omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
