i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
