Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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